“Damn you internet! Damn you See Tickets. And yes, damn you too Glastonbury! Why? I don’t know. But I don’t deserve this!!”
If these exclamations more or less match those that parted your lips at about 09.45am this morning, take minor comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. We are great in number, those of us who missed out on Glastonbury tickets yet again, and together we are strong. Strong enough to create an avalanche of bitter Tweets and Facebook statuses. Strong enough to type our angry messages and slam shut our laptops with a force so sheer it is overheard in the room next door. But, alas, not strong enough to change the simple fact that, as things stand, none of us are going to the greatest music festival in the world: our beloved Glastonbury.
Unless you forgot to set your alarm or charge your phone/laptop/whatever (you fool), this terrible situation cannot be attributed to your own personal negligence. We are helpless; at the mercy of the seemingly merciless See Tickets. One disheartened Tweeter summed up our collective frustration perfectly:
Probably be easier to start a band get signed then asked to play #Glastonbury than get tickets via see tickets
— Jordan (@jordan_fancey) October 9, 2016
Worth a shot I suppose. Who’s with me?
But seriously, it’s difficult to find the positives amid such dire straits. Naturally, we immediately seek solace in the prospect of having better luck in the all-important, official resale, 6 months from now in April. “The resale! The resale!” your friends cry, “we’ll get them in the resale! It’ll all be OK. It’s fine!”
It’s not fine. The resale’s a bloody joke. Only a tiny fraction of tickets sold today will be up for grabs again and you’ll probably have bought tickets for Bestival by then anyway and won’t be able to afford it even if you do succeed the second time around. It’s not bloody fine!
These are natural and perfectly justified reactions. We’re all feeling them (except your resale friends, whose never-say-die optimism you’re admittedly grateful for). But we must recover. We must not let misery and self-pity sweep over us. We must find reasons not to feel like absolute shit for missing out on Glastonbury tickets…again. Here are five:
1) You’ll save a lot of money
The cost of a Glastonbury tickets seem to go up every year. This year there was a £10 increase, taking the grand total to an eye-watering £238 + £5 booking fee. I mean, come on! Isn’t it getting a bit silly now? Bearing in mind there are roughly 120,000 tickets sold, do they really need to charge so much?
The answer of course is that it doesn’t matter; Glastonbury is so brilliant that anyone who gets a ticket simply pays up, regardless of the price tag. But when you start to add up the other costs – transport to and from, festival essentials, booze, snacks, meals and, if you work freelance, loss of earnings – it suddenly feels less appealing. Everyone has a different budget but in reality the minimum expense – and that’s including all of the above – is about £600 in my opinion. That’s a lot of money that could be put towards an epic summer holiday somewhere else, where the sun is guaranteed to shine.
Of course if you get a ticket, you just make it work. You save, scrimp and only spend where necessary at the festival, lest you bankrupt yourself entirely.
2) You’ll be spared treacherous weather
The biggest fear hanging over any Glastonbury ticket holder each year is the forecast of heavy rain. All it takes is a morning of unrelenting downpour and the whole site is a washout. There is no time for the ground to dry and it quickly turns into a quagmire. There is mud everywhere. Mud in your tent, mud all over your clothes, mud all over the festival. Then it starts raining again. The queue for the showers is massive; your clothes are soaked; your tent is leaking; you can’t sleep. Two days of this and you lose the will to live, especially if there are two more to go.
Only the strongest and jauntiest festival-goers are immune to the rain and mud. And I commend them.
3) You won’t have to use the Glastonbury toilets
There is simply no way around it; at some point during the 5-day event, you would have to make use of the notoriously horrific Glastonbury toilets. In fairness to the Glastonbury organisers, they have made the experience as hygienic, painless and emotionally sustainable as possible. But inevitably there is only so much that can be done to manage the state of every loo and the ungodly stench coming from beneath. This is made even more distressing by the fact that you have to wait in line to get there, edging closer as the reek becomes increasingly unbearable.
But this year you’ll be watching from your sofa, which is within a stone’s throw of your lovely, clean bathroom. No queuing, no nearly being sick, no scarred retinas.
4) You’ll prevent a great deal of self-inflicted body abuse
Despite there being plenty of security guards, festivals the size of Glastonbury are kind of like lawless playgrounds. People get absolutely obliterated. Whether that be the result of excessive alcohol intake or some other form of liberal intoxication is anyone’s guess. But at Glastonbury you go hard or go home (preferably not in an ambulance), even if you never really intended to.
By sitting this one out you’ll spare your liver a significant hammering and prevent rather a lot of incredibly painful jaw cramp depending on your personal inclinations. Furthermore think of all those debilitated moments you’d be liable to purchase a giant pizza or burrito. Overall, your body will be better off for missing out on Glastonbury.
5) You might get a ticket in the resale
Yes, I know I said the resale’s a bloody joke. It is, sort of. But what choice do we have? Listen to your optimistic friend. At the end of the day there are veterans out there would trade a kidney for a ticket, even if it does mean suffering reasons 1-4. For no particular reason, I’m going to throw a few Winston Churchill quotes at you, just because my brain went there. I’m sure if he were alive today and had missed out on Glasto tickets, he would not be remotely discouraged.
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
“Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense.”
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
Just to be clear, I am not implying Glastonbury is as momentous as the war here. But you can’t deny that Churchill is a powerful motivator. If we there with you right now, he’d tell you to gather as many troops as possible and go in all guns blazing for the resale. And you never know, perhaps all these reasons listed above will dissuade a multitude of lucky Glastonbury first-timers from going.
There is hope for Glastonbury tickets yet. And if reasons 1-4 have convinced you that actually, maybe missing out on Glastonbury isn’t such a bad thing, then great! Now we all feel a bit better about ourselves.
If you were one of the lucky 120,000 to bag a ticket for Glastonbury 2017 then you might want to start thinking about what you’re going to take. It’s still a long way off but there is, in truth, a lot to consider. Check out my post ‘Glastonbury Festival Essentials‘ for some sensible/slightly weird suggestions.